Losing My Words: Grief amidst graduation

Albert Camus Quote

 

This past November, I lost my father in a horrific accident. The days and weeks following were filled with disbelief, turmoil, and trauma.  I couldn’t eat, couldn’t think, couldn’t write. The crushing grief took away my words—and that was devastating. Writing is how I make sense of the world.  I imagined that writing would be part of my healing, but I could not find any words to tame my anger and sadness.

I wasn’t even sure what day it was. 

The recovering perfectionist, take-charge, get-it-done, type of person found herself in a state of confusion and paralysis. I had no choice but to surrender to grief and give myself a big timeout. This meant putting aside writing projects and taking a break from consulting work.

But there was one job I couldn’t take a break from—homeschooling coach to my youngest daughter. Audrey was in the midst of her college application essays and creating her art portfolio.  She had 10 colleges on her list. As her homeschool supervisor/guidance counselor, I was responsible for all documentation, the transcript, curriculum description, as well as reviewing her essays. Now, my brain was muddled, my attention and energy compromised. I felt panicked by my inability to fully resume this responsibility.

My daughter knew how much I was suffering. Yet in the midst of our family crisis, she became a pillar of strength.  The years of homeschooling had prepared her for independence. Audrey continued her studies and kept all commitments. She reached out to a mentor for help with writing the essays. She enlisted a team to assist her in finishing her portfolio film—all while I was curled up on the living room couch.

Gradually my brain fog lifted.  I was able to check over Audrey’s final applications and help her prepare scholarship essays. Miraculously, I watched the tasks on her College Countdown list disappeared one by one. Jan 15th arrived and the final application was submitted. We were done. 

Winter. Spring. Summer.  

Now I have a homeschool graduate, on her way to college, who knows how to advocate for herself and problem solve. She faces obstacles and challenges with grit and grace. These essential qualities aren’t reflected in grades or test scores, but they will carry her far.

My words are returning.

The healing continues.

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The Homestretch: On the Road to Homeschool Graduation

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Tomorrow officially begins my daughter’s senior year of homeschooling. When I say “officially”, I  mean that she begins classes and independent studies toward her high school diploma.  In truth, Audrey is always learning.  This summer she played the piano, read, watched classic films, took Spanish lessons, wrote a film script, and created a screenwriting program.

Friends have said to me, “Now you can see the light at the end of the tunnel !”

Yes, we are on the homestretch toward graduation, but as I think more about that expression I realize it doesn’t quite fit.  I wouldn’t describe our homeschooling years as a tunnel.  There was nothing dark or long about it.  It was a multi-year journey that took us to all kinds of interesting places.  Along the way, I sometimes had doubts that we were not on the right (or best) path, that something would be missed.  Gradually, I let go of these uncertainties. My daughter’s happiness and engagement in learning mattered most. 

Audrey and I both miss the early carefree days of this journey when we weren’t thinking about transcripts, standardized tests, and college admissions.  In the elementary years, Audrey had lots of time to play, explore, create, imagine, dance, and think. (Not to mention, sleep.) We took so many wonderful field trips to art and science museums, historical places, nature centers, plays, concerts, and dance performances. Audrey joined other homeschoolers at zoo school, MIT science workshops, wilderness training, drama class, community service and Jewish holiday activities.

She spent a lot of time outdoors.  

No homework, no grades.

Audrey Plymoth Plantation

And the time flew by!  I really can’t believe we’ve already arrived at this place.

Now she’s finishing up her subject tests, visiting colleges, preparing her portfolio, and writing application essays.  She is passionate about her career plans. She knows what she wants to study in college. Keeping her goal in mind makes SAT prep more palatable.  As busy as she will be this senior year, there will still be time time for adventure and hanging out with friends.   

We kick off the year with a college biology class and then the annual Not-Back-To-School picnic.  

It’s all part of the journey.  I want to enjoy every moment.  

Yes, next June there will be light and joy mixed with sadness. One long journey ending—a new one beginning.

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